The Ninjabot

The Cinema Slums: Axe Giant -The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (2013)

Posted on September 15, 2013 at 9:05 am by Adam Knabe

Welcome to another installment of The Cinema Slums. Once again, we will journey into the darker corners of the movie universe to see what treats can be dragged out of the mire. If there are any treats at all! No, there are no treats, silly monkey.

Warning: There will be spoilers, hell your mother’s the task master, so I have to spoil you.

Axe_Giant_The_Wrath_of_Paul_Bunyan_trail_88859140_thumbnail

  • Morally ambiguous teenage delinquents!
  • Giant mongoloid axe-wielding redneck!
  • Blue ox burgers!
  • Pointless nicknames!
  • Cliche redneck lynch mob!

Directed By: Gary Jones, who’s also known for some episodes of Xena: Warrior Princess, so I guess there’s that on his resume.

Writen By: Let’s just say it was not 100 monkeys with 100 type writers. Axe Giant is not Shakespeare.

Starring: Grizzly Adams for five minutes, and then a bunch of nobodies.

grizzly adams

No bear wrasslin’ from good ol’ Grizzly Adams!

Our story opens up way back in the frontier days where a bunch of lumberjacks are preparing for a large meal. Everyone is excited for their meal when, out of nowhere, a crazed average-sized (this is actually an important detail to remember) mongoloid comes out of nowhere and hacks everyone up with an axe.

Grizzly Adams comes back from a piss to find everyone dead only to wrestle with the mongoloid (Not a bear mind you. What a cheat! I want to see Grizzly Adam’s wrassle a bear, not a Jason knock off), and gets thrown into a buzz-saw. That scene was probably 90% of the budget right there.

Axe Giant - The Wrath of Paul Bunyan Slaughter

We’re sorry, the Donner Party is by invite only.

Jump to the present day where a pack of juvenile delinquents (who strike a funny resemblance to a pack of 30-something out of work porn actors) are getting ready to ship off for a week of therapeutic camping imposed upon them by the courts. Along for the ride is a psychiatrist and some over-the-top park ranger who likes to give people weird nicknames, like Chicken Little.

These so called kids were arrested for the following crimes: being a little buzzed while driving and then getting T-boned by a drunk driver, stealing millions of dollars on a computer while never actually having said money or using it, selling drugs to friends, ratting out other individuals and their seedy activities, and punching a cop who got a little hands-y. I guess felony and petty crimes all get fixed by a relaxing camping trips into the wild?

While out in the woods two of these “teenagers” come across the bones of a dead ox and, naturally, one guy takes the ox’s horns as a souvenir. Unbeknownst to them, a giant mongoloid-axe wielding-redneck by the name of Paul Bunyan comes along, sees what they did to the bones of his dear, dead blue ox, and begins to slaughter everyone like he did in the frontier days. Not an overreaction at all…

The campers seek shelter with a crazy back woods nut job (isn’t that the plot of another awful horror movie?) who decides to tell them the true story of good old Paul Bunyan. Apparently, Paul Bunyan has/had some rare disease that makes him giant, ugly, and age slower than everyone else. So apparently that flashback at the beginning was the result of what happens when you kill a genetically mutated lumberjack’s prize Blue Ox.

For some reason, Paul was just a normal sized crazy mongoloid redneck back then; not the giant he is today. It was thought that her was captured and killed after the massacre, of course he wasn’t. So now he is back with a vengeance to kill more people! He also becomes infatuated with one of the campers because she strikes an uncanny resemblance to his love from years ago (this sounds a lot like Dracula…)  It’s the old beauty tames the beast cliché.

So as Paul goes totally nuts, killing left and right one teenager’s father (who’s a cop) shows up with a bunch of rednecks, and they gun poor Paul Bunyan down.

Axe Giant - The Wrath of Paul Bunyan Troll

Beefcake!!!!

Look, I know this movie is not supposed to be taken seriously. It is about a killer Paul Bunyan, for heaven’s sake, but all attempts at playing this for laughs just fails on every level. The movie’s attempts at tongue-in-cheeks humor is murky at best, the soundtrack is grating at every turn, and the acting is wooden and terrible, even if we’re giving them the benefit of the doubt that they’re trying to act badly. Want to learn how to fail at bad acting? Here’s a 90 minute how-to right here.

The plot is so formulaic it just makes me want to watch say King Kong, Frankenstein, Texas Chainsaw, or any of the other movie that Axe Giant is clearly taking its cues from. The kills are sadly of the extremely bad CGI kind, so much so that bad CGI riddles this movie like the boils that riddle poor Paul Bunyan’s meat bag body.

What I don’t understand is the trouble the script goes to in explaining how Paul Bunyan exists, but then doesn’t care to explain why there’s a freaking blue ox. I guess those rocky mountain oysters were suffering such a case of blue balls it turned the whole ox blue. What, Paul, couldn’t give Babe a little loving? Blue balls are no joke, but apparently blue oxen are.

Axe Giant - The Wrath of Paul Bunyan OX

What the hell is that?! I’d kill it and it eat it too if I saw that in the woods.

The bottom line is even as a low rent Syfy channel crap-fest kind of film, Axe Giant is even worse. It really isn’t funny, pretty much sets up the crappy dead meats to get chopped right down, and uses some tired clichéd plot points with terrible CGI to boot.

I will say one positive thing: the Paul Bunyan creature doesn’t look half bad, even if everything else surrounding him is horrendous. The real shame is how underused Grizzly Adams is and no bear wrasslin’. You do get to see a bear get messed by a Paul Bunyan, so there’s that, I guess. If you want to judge for yourself Axe Giant- The Wrath of Paul Bunyan is available for streaming on Netflix, but don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Axe Giant - The Wrath of Paul Bunyan Paul

Fargo 2: Lumba Jackin Doncha Know!

 

Axe Giant: Wrath of Paul Bunyan: D, ( only because the creature looked all right and I like Grizzly Adams’ luscious beard. Otherwise it would be a big fat F.)

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