The Ninjabot

10 Reasons Krampus Will Be Better Than Star Wars

Posted on December 18, 2015 at 8:44 am by Chris Teregis

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PSA: The views expressed in this article do not reflect the views and opinions of 99.9% of the editorial staff in the Geek Legacy network. So put down the tri-bladed lightsaber pitchforks and give it a read.

This might be considered Star Wars Week, but to this cinephile, it’s Krampus Month.

Last week, I got the privilege of sitting down and watching Krampus in all of it’s insane, comedy-horror glory, and I must say, I was not let down in the slightest. In fact, it got me thinking that this film might be the best film of the year. So much so, that I suspect it will be better than Star Wars in at least ten ways. Here they are:

jEYZE9a1: Original Concept

Star Wars, we’ve seen it before. We’ve seen it six times before, and of those six times, only three of them were good times. You know what we haven’t seen before; A demonic Santa Claus devouring the souls of a family on Christmas Eve.

2: No Chintzy Villain Revelations

I can guarantee you that, in Star Wars, there will be at least ONE stupid reveal, wherein Kylo Ren slowly removes his helmet to reveal that he a genetic clone of Anakin Skywalker and was trained in the ways of the Sith by Luke or something like that.

You know why that never happens in Krampus? Because it’s pretty freakin’ simple. The villain is a completely unstoppable, demonic Santa Claus with cloven hooves for feet. He’s such a flippin’ badass, that he doesn’t need to prance around in a black robe with a physically impossible laser sword to get his point across. He just stomps on rooftops and rips people out of chimneys with steel hooks.

3: Non-Annoying Child Actors

Is Star Wars going to have some dumb kids in it? Probably.

Does Krampus have dumb kids in it? Yes, but they are portrayed with the quality and emotional depth that you would expect from any quality feature length film. One can’t help but harken back to the performances of Anna Paquin in the Piano or Dev Patel in Slumdog Millionaire after seeing these Krampus kids perform. I don’t know if they will ever hand out an Oscar for being convincingly swallowed whole by a Satanic Jack-In-The-Box, but they should at least give the kid a nod.

4: David Koechner > Han Solo

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Nuff said.

5: No Dumb Marketing.

Disney has found a way to put Star Wars on EVERYTHING.

star-wars-oranges

That’s right, those are Star Wars Oranges. May the Force be with you, and enriched with vitamin C.

Krampus doesn’t need that. All they need is this totally awesome, original concept, and a kick-ass 80s Horror throwback poster and it’s done.

6: Toni Collette

Has Toni Collette considered changing her name to “Lynchpin”? She should. Lynchpin Collette delivers a performance that holds Krampus together tighter than any Sci-Fi action epic centered around loose interpretations of an invisible, all encompassing power that also happens to be determined by bugs. I mean, she really drives this thing home with a performance that grounds the insane concept of Krampus in reality. Cheers, Lynchpin.

7: Better Adam

Adam Scott could probably beat Adam Driver in a fist fight. I know Adam Driver was a marine and all, but I imagine he would see Adam Scott as such a minimal threat, he would underestimate him. As Adam Driver would approach, taunting Adam Scott with arrogance, that’s when Scott would make his move and strike Adam Driver in the knees, rendering him down to Scott’s height, and that’s where Adam Scott would administer a backwards flip kick to Adam Driver’s jaw. Flawless victory.

8: No Jar Jar Binks.

A great thing about Krampus, is that Jar Jar Binks has never existed in it’s universe. Think about that while you’re watching Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Think, “Has Jar Jar Binks existed in this universe?” I guarantee you you will land at yes every time.

9:  It’s Set on Earth.

KrampusI don’t know about you guys, but trying to keep a catalog of every single impossibly named planet in the Star Wars universe can get pretty tiring.

Thankfully Krampus simplifies that by just setting the entire film on earth. Thanks filmmakers.

10: Ground Floor Fandom

No matter where you go, you are going to run into some butthorn who has liked Star Wars longer than you have, knows more than you do, and cares more than you do.

With Krampus, you are getting in on the ground floor of a completely new and original concept that is sure to have people camping out in front of Grauman’s Chinese next December 11th. Get in early, and then you can be that condescending geek-jerk to the hordes upon hordes of certain up and coming Kramp-A-Holics. (Kramp-A-Holic is a registered trademark of ME. Don’t use it.)

Getting Real

In all seriousness, I had a great time watching Krampus. I think it’s a totally fun film, with an original premise and somehow, SOMEHOW, under all of the horror-comedy chaos, the movie manages to send an oddly heartwarming Christmas message to the audience.

If you see one movie this weekend, see Star Wars.

If you see two movies, see Star Wars twice.

But, if you see three movies, go see Krampus. It is definitely worth your time and money.

Chris Teregis is a writer and a comedian living in Los Angeles.  You can follow his brain drizzlings on Twitter:  @christeregis

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